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Jan 15, 2006
wandering I don't know where I'm going. It's hard to describe how I'm feeling these days, or to describe "what's going on." Things aren't bad, things aren't great. Except that in reality, things are really all across that spectrum. So, I guess more accurately, I'm not bad, and I'm not great. In all honesty, I don't think average is even and apt description. Average would indicate the presence of something. I can't say I even feel that. Here is the strange part though . . . every day, I am struck by the "little things," as the old cliche goes. I am noticing all of the things we are told we should notice in everyday life. They resonate with me. I mediate on them. But in the end, I can't do the math and add it all up. I get the parts. I don't get the sum. It's like my life is a yahoo! map. It is zoomed all of the way in. I can't see very far at all. Maybe the most frustrating part is that I feel that at this point in my life, I should be much farther down the road than I am. Only it doesn't frustrate me anymore. I'm not frustrated. I'm not content either. I'm nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I've failed at life. What does that even mean though? The problem with this entire post is that none of it is even accurate. What is really going on is much more vague. I can't even begin to describe or make sense of it; this is my feeble attempt. Wednesday night a FOCUS, John was talking about the book of Joshua, and made the analogy of us stepping out in faith and crossing the Jordan, like the Israelites did. He asked us what "river" we need to cross. I didn't have an answer. I still don't. I don't even see a river on my map right now. I don't know where I am on my map. The obvious answer is that God does see the big picture and is guiding me. I don't know if I beleive that or not, though. I know it's true. I just don't know that I live my life as though I believe it. That's what faith is. But sometimes it seems as though I can't step out in faith when I don't know what direction I'm supposed to step in. Maybe I'm oblivious to the obvious. So, to sum things up, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm talking about, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking for. I don't know what I'm thinking and I don't know what I'm feeling. Maybe it's a case of I don't even know who I am . . . . . . It's interesting the where the process of writing takes you sometime. I had not intended to write about identity, but it just came up. Which is interesting, because I have been thinking a lot about identity lately, but I hadn't made the connection. Lately, I've been stuggeling with not wanting to be me. I've wanted to escape and be someone else for a while. It's interesting because in the past feeling like this tend to come from focusing on my weaknesses. This time it's coming from the more "positive" side. Or at least I think so. One example is at work. Lately, I haven't wanted to be supervisor. For some of the reason listed above, I just haven't felt like dealing with the responsibilities involved. Here's the problem though--title or no title, I can't really escape it. Even if I were to step down, it wouldn't matter. Back in the summer, when I wasn't supervisor, I still, on some scale, had to deal with this role. If there is one lesson I've learned over the past year, it's that I'm a leader whether I want to be or not. It's the reality of my existence. I suppose if I worked hard enough, then maybe I could tank it. Maybe not. There is plenty about my personality that should prevent me from ever being in any type of leadership role. But, I always find myself in that situation. Sometimes I just want to slip away and lay low for a while. Sometimes I just don't want to be me. But, as John preached a couple of weeks ago, God's charge to us is "Remember who you are." Which can be very comforting. Or very intimidating, depending on who and where you are (in life, not geographically). The other thing I've learned over the last year is that who I am is a lot more complicated that I ever could have imagined. And, I think this is the vague part . . . I haven't really gotten a grip on who I am. I have a bunch of peices that I can't seem to put together to make any coherent image. I think the best and yet the hardest thing is that I have to press on, even when I want to lay low. Whatever my mission, I don't have the option of escaping. Which is good, given how lazy I am. I still don't have a clue. posted
by Unknown @ 11:50:00 PM |
