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Apr 17, 2005
the infinite abyss Last night I saw the movie "Garden State." Its not a movie that I would have picked out on my own, but thanks to Mel it ended up in my DVD player. I liked it. It was a little slower and "artsier" than what is usually to my liking, but there were many great lines that appealed to my inner-philosopher. My favorite part of the film was a scene where 3 of the main characters went to visit some guy who lived in a boat in a quarry. Actually, it wasn't really a quarry. Some developers were building a mall in this spot and found some huge cavern or canyon or something like that. That cave had never been explored, and they didn't know how deep it actually was, where it went, or where it ended. As they were about to leave, the guy from "Scrubs" said to the guy who lived there, "Good luck exploring the infinite abyss." The guy who lived there said, "You too." After the movie was over, I immediately said, "I want to explore an infinite abyss." It's such a cool line, and I've been thinking about it since we finished the movie. It really fits where I've been over the last few months. I like it because in its literal sense, there are no infinite abysses to be explored. They don't exist. But in the figurative sense, there are countless infinite abysses. And here's the thing . . . in real life, I rarely ever explore them. Usually its fear, often its laziness, but for whatever reason, I don't take that adventure. Its kind of strange really: in many situations I'm fearless, but in others, I'm paralyzed by fear. I guess that's actually kind of normal, its just sometimes I feel like a freak because I'm fearless in areas most others are fearful and fearful in areas that most others are fearless. The other theme in the movie that really jumped out at me was this idea that feeling pain means being alive and real. This really kind of summed up some things that have been running through my mind of late, particularly in the last few months since I have moved back to Cincinnati. When I lived in Frankfort, I was very isolated. I went to work for 8 hours a day, came home, watched some TV, and went to bed. My weekend wasn't much more eventful. Through it all, I had no real social life to speak of. Through all of that, I kind of went into a neutral state emotionally. That's been one of the most difficult yet exhilarating things about being back in Cincinnati. Every day I interact with people. Sometimes its really cool. Sometimes its not so much. Sometimes I get invited, and sometimes I get rejected. People help me. People hurt me. And honestly, it took some time getting used to that again. Back in February, I was struggling mentally and emotionally with some things, and it somewhat then occurred to me that this may have been at the root of the issue. I went from rarely facing the possibility of rejection to facing it every day. And rejection is my biggest fear. So, its been up and down. And that's the cool part. Because now, I'm starting to become alive again. I taught this past Wednesday night at FOCUS, and as I was preparing the lesson, I began to feel something I hadn't felt in a long time: passion. It was amazing. I've hit the heights of joy and the depths of depression this semester, and it's been the most amazing thing. Even over the past several weeks, there has been an issue that has been draining me mentally and emotionally. A few days ago, I prayed that it would just go away. It hasn't. And I'm glad. I don't want it to go away. I want to be alive. I want to be real. Throughout the last few months, I think I have started on this journey. I've learned a lot about who I am, and why I react to things the way I do. I'm looking into my fears. Brent says that I shouldn't define myself by my fears, but that's what I'm doing right now. It's for a bigger purpose though. I want these labels attached to my forehead, so that I will get tired of them and do something about it. I have to. There are too many infinite abysses out there, waiting to be explored. posted
by Unknown @ 4:54:00 PM |
