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Feb 24, 2005
this one's for me Typically, I try and stay away from the emo posts. Seriously, who wants to read a bunch of my whining. Anyone? That's what I thought. But, that's where I am right now. And, ultimately, I write this thing for myself, to chronicle some of my thoughts and to help me figure things out. So, tonight, this post is dedicated to just that. You don't want to read it?? I undestand completely. Check this out instead. Okay, now for the post. I think I'm going crazy. Or maybe I'm just being melodramatic. But, lately, I've just been taking the biggest emotional and mental beating of my life. The hard part is that I can't really explain it very well. Imagine waking up every morning and this sense of fear coming over you. Not a really intense fear. Just something kind of vague. And you don't have any idea of what you are afraid of. But there it is. Also, every moment I am alone, I just get nailed with self-doubt. It hits me on every aspect of my life. I'm usually one who needs some alone time, but lately it's just been burdensome. It's as if all of my past failures and all of my potential ones just stare me in the face. When I end up in a large group, I just feel so lost. Not that I've ever been extremly outgoing, but something is different this time around. I never quite feel like I fit in, or that I belong. I can't explain it, because everyone is generally really good to me. When I'm in a smaller group of friends, I'm much better, usually because I'm able to take my mind off of all of that other stuff for a while. So I don't know, maybe it's something clinical. Maybe I'm just whining. Last night at Focus, we were talking about the lies that Satan tells us. On one level, I don't believe all of the ones I'm hearing right now, but I guess just the sheer volume is affecting me. The problem is, I don't know what to do. Nothing in my life makes any sense to me right now. But I'm a leader. I'm in seminary. I'm supposed to be able to figure this stuff out. I can help people with their issues, but I can't even get my own act together. This is normally the time when I would turn to prayer. The words would just flow out. But lately, for some reason, I can't do that. And it frustrates me. So here I am, wandering around with my eyes closed, cluess, attacked from all fronts. Nothing makes any sense . . . posted
by Unknown @ 10:13:00 PM |
